roots hold me close, wings set me free

Having just returned from Colorado I've decided I could live there. The flatness isn't so bad when you can see the mountains in the distance. There is always the prospect of going to them. Although, if I had my way, I'd live in Lyons anyway - which is nestled in the Rockies. mmm hmmmm!

Then I looked at AM's pictures from Washington state and boy, oh boy is the Pacific Northwest calling my name! I have dreams of Portland anyway - at least Portland in the spring, lush, beautiful Portland. When two Lutheran Volunteer Corp Coordinator positions opened up, one in the Bay area and one in Seattle I about quit seminary and applied.

But, when the sky's the limit, there can be so much heartache...

I am at a point in my life (or at least will be there in two years, post Masters) where some major decision making is about to occur. Why major, you ask? Well I tell myself it's because of these pesky things called school loans... Had I zero debt I would more than likely gallivant here and here, some more BVS, some traveling, etc. But I'm feeling like I have to rid myself of this school debt before I can experience true joy in life. I probably need to find somewhere to settle for a bit, live simply (which is the overarching plan anyway), and get rid of these loans! THEN I can do whatever I want, right?

I can go anywhere, right?

Sure...

But uprooting oneself means a new community (awesome!) and leaving an old one (booo!). The more people I leave behind the harder and harder it gets. My continued heartache for Elgin hasn't subsided, and while I don't think I'll miss the town of Richmond that much, by the time I'm ready to leave it will be painful to say goodbye to my family here.

Uprooting oneself is all well and good, but I still have a fear of doing all of this alone. M and I used to talk about moving to fun places, like Lyons. Then she got married (which is awesome, by the way!). It would be nice to have some kind of partner on the journey. My extroverted, external processing self hates to be alone. Here I sit in an empty apartment in Richmond and I HATE it! I find it hard to be motivated, there's no one to whom I can tell the random things that happen (like the day I broke a favorite piece of pottery just by picking it up, or when I accidentally got blue spray paint all over the porch), and there is a lot less laughter when you are alone.

I guess uprooting oneself means you have to have roots there in the first place. Which I don't. Anywhere. It seems. I pretend this is ok. But it's not always.

So what happens now?
Another suitcase in another hall.
So what happens now?
Take a picture off another wall.
Where am I going to?
You'll get by, you always have before.
Where am I going to?
Don't ask anymore.

"Another Suitcase in Another Hall," Evita

[I'm realizing this is quite a depressing post. I'm not at all depressed, just contemplative. Thanks for entering my brain for a bit.]